Last month I spoke at the Thrive Education Partnership Conference in Coventry. It was a big session with over 600 teachers, head teachers and heads of education trusts in the room. Even though I’ve been doing this work for decades, I was nervous. The shape of the room – wide and thin – and the acoustics made it hard to reach everyone and I found myself in a state of unusual nervousness. The fact that the Professor Steve Peters, author of the highly acclaimed The Chimp Paradox, spoke before me to a seemingly enraptured audience got my own inner ‘not good enough’ chimp going big time.
The mismatch between podium height and my height (5-foot 1 inch 😊) meant I would need to step away from the illusion of protection and own that stage. So, armed with my Britney mike, I attempted to do just that.
As I opened my mouth and uttered my first words, I became aware of the level of dysregulation in my nervous system, and I knew I’d need some help. And so, I did the thing that I’ve learn to do when I’m feeling less than ideal. I prayed. ‘Please God help me to overcome this fear. Please help me to be of service and worthy of this amazing opportunity to influence so many people including all of those who are not in the room. Please help me to lend my nervous system in the best possible way.’
I felt this calm come over me and I became aware of my feet on the ground. I breathed into my belly and slowed down. And then I went and it was good. In fact, dare I say it, I was told it was ‘inspirational’.
The magic of this experience on that stage is that it led me to use this sentence for the first time ever in a keynote – ‘how are you lending your nervous system?’
The thing is, by virtue of being an evolved species, we are constantly lending our nervous systems to the people we are interacting with. I knew, up on that stage that I needed to ‘be the change’. I needed to embody and exude a sense of deep inner safety in order to engage my audience. To make them feel safe to listen. To feel inspired to change. So, I did what I needed to do in order to be able to show up in complete service to my work.
Years of presenting and working with people have shown me, time and again, that every interaction we go into is an opportunity for us to lend our nervous systems in a positive or negative way. And this doesn’t just apply to our professional lives; as a mother, daughter, sister, friend, romantic partner, owner of a highly sensitive rescue dog – my learning curve has been steepest.
How I feel impacts on how you feel.
As a sleep expert, whenever I am asked to work on a child’s sleep, I work on the parents because it is in the process of co-regulation that the child feels safe to sleep. In other words – and it’s bloody unforgiving, I know – as parents, we lend our nervous systems to our children.
When I work with leaders and their teams, the work starts with the nervous system of the leader or manager.
Lending of the nervous system is important if:
- You’re a parent
- You’re a teacher, carer, medical practitioner
- You’re a leader of an organisation or manager of a team
- You’re the head of a government or state or country
- You have people in your life that you care for
OK….you get the point. This is for everyone.
And my question to you (and to myself) is – in whatever interaction you are going into, as a parent, teacher, leader, nurse, partner how are you showing up to lend your nervous system? Are you in a state of regulation or dysregulation?
Over the coming months, my vision is that my work will increasingly focus on the Lending of the Nervous System in groups, organisations, schools, areas where there is a need to instil physiological and psychological safety. This work matters to me because increasingly our world is becoming highly dysregulated and chaotic. No wonder we are facing a growing global epidemic of mental health problems not just in our institutions but especially in our children.
This might sound complex and overwhelming but actually there are some simple solutions (I love simple and practical). And it starts with me and with you. With each of us. The work of lending our nervous systems is an inside job. We have to become the change, as Gandhi said.
Do you want to wake up tomorrow morning feeling safer? Do you want to lend your nervous system in a way that inspires, enlivens, exudes safety? Or do you want to show up in a way that perpetuates the fear and chaos, the constant need for electronic dopamine hits and external validation?
I’m hoping the former.
If so, try doing this one thing…
When you wake up tomorrow morning, keep your eyes closed, don’t reach for your phone. Place your left hand over your heart and right hand over your belly.
Follow three exhalations. Just let them do whatever they want to do. Simply follow them while feeling the weight of your hands on your body.
Once you’ve followed three exhales, try gently prolonging 2 exhales. Imagine you are breathing out through your belly, hips, legs and feet. Imagine you are growing roots out out out through the foundations of the floor, building, deep into the earth.
That’s it. Just try that for now. Just 5 exhales to start your day. And then enter your day and whatever it will bring. That conversation with your frustrated teenager, heartbreakingly forgetful parent, uninspired team member, boisterous classroom.
Keep doing this for at least a week and let the magic unfold. Because our nervous systems are magical. Our physiology is magical and I can’t wait to tell you more about this in my next blog post in which I’ll share more about the neuroscience of Coherence and how Lending the Nervous System really works (trust me, it’s not woo woo).
In the meantime, if you want to learn some nervous system basics, check out the blog I wrote over a decade ago or my latest book Finding Inner Safety to go deeper.
Does this resonate? Please drop me a line and let me know and get in touch if you would like me to deliver a keynote or presentation for your team or organisation.
That’s it for now. Stay grounded. Stay regulated.
Nerina x
